More great food for thought. Thank you! I was othered by my family when my “father” disowned me. Another kind of othering. Terrifically traumatizing. On the other hand, I think this is why I am always interested in meeting and listening to “others.” So that’s a silver lining. There’s a great doc about surfing called Step Into Liquid that shows people surfing in all sorts of places you wouldn’t guess. In one scene (spoiler) these guys from one part of Ireland teach kids from the “other” part how to surf. Made me weep. Happy Boxing Day!
Thanks Spike! Wow - yeah, that sounds terrible. Parents can run such a gamut from amazing to terrible. I’ve had a bit of each, but nothing that extreme.
I remember someone else recommending that movie - I’ll look for it!
I was all sucked in by the Food, Sex, and Predators title from grad school but there was a distinct lack of predators (of the biological sort) in the post!! Actually, I spent my whole long bath thinking about the other and its impact on my life. We have all had othering from the time we are tiny but it really hit me in college. I went to a small liberal arts school in Los Angeles. They were doing what I have come to think of as a social experiment which was labeled 'Multiculturalism'. The classes and culture emphasized the inherent value of ethnic identity and the anger that people should feel when they have been othered. I think they meant for it to bring us together but it just magnified the othering. I wasn't the base of the totem pole (that was reserved for the white males) but as a female white German American mutt I was pretty far down there. All the minorities of different colors and cultures formed their own tribes whose primary function seemed to be to exude anger and disdain of anyone who did not belong. I could have joined the female tribe that focused on othering the frat boys but I couldn't get into the anger part of it.
I still can't. When I talk to people about trying to understand the perspective of the other the consensus seems to be - "Not worth my time & furthermore you must be secret racist/sexist/other if you even want to talk to those people". It doesn't seem to matter what side of the spectrum they are on I have tried it with both sides. Sometimes even I feel like it isn't worth my time because I haven't yet found a gang of bad ass consensus builders to call my own. It is sort of like paddling upstream with a toothpick during a hurricane. It is not a message that anyone wants to hear. So my question is what makes people ready to listen? Historically it is suffering and ugliness . . . Really?! Aren't we done with that yet?
Yeah, the whole thing can be so exhausting. It’s not difficult too see what people get frustrated with on any side. I feel like that too - can’t we just move on??
Not even move on. Just be done with the suffering and ugliness and get to the real work that has to happen. Real work I can get into but waiting for people to stop nurturing their outrage is exhausting.
I remember us from the anti-procrastination class we took in the aughts in Austin.
I also had to adjust to well-known otherings. In a lower-bronx nursery school, I was the only white kid (although one teacher was white). At 6, we moved to a white town in California. And, it wasn't until Antioch College, did I took notice of other's skins, when someone pointed out that a dorm mate was a black. Since then, I've been very nervous about my thinking of blacks as others. I've read Kendi's book - How to be an Antiracist. My approach is to acknowledge that I have stereotypes of others, but I consciously throw off these, when interacting (directly or indirectly) with individuals or groups. When an Asian offers to drive me somewhere, I see him/her as just another driver, and not "driving while Asian". I was mostly raised in NoCal, but every person I've known from SoCal is actually not plastic.
Hey Evan! So good to hear from you, and thanks for sharing this. I think this whole topic is so rich and interesting and important. And I agree about the way we can be so far from it as kids. That was definitely my experience
My experience of being “othered” was, except for a brief early marriage, being, 90 percent of my adult life, a single woman with no kids in a society where family is king. For example, being single with no kids I was always looked to to work holidays when needed so others could be with their spouses and kids. I honestly didn’t mind working holidays so people could be with their kids, I just minded that it was SO expected.
But my otherness as a single, childless person has come with perks... lots of freedom.
At 65, I still hope to be married one day and have someone to say good morning and good night to and have coffee with and grow older together.
Not to not be an “other,” or because family is king in our society, but just to love itself and to have another’s best interest at my core.
More great food for thought. Thank you! I was othered by my family when my “father” disowned me. Another kind of othering. Terrifically traumatizing. On the other hand, I think this is why I am always interested in meeting and listening to “others.” So that’s a silver lining. There’s a great doc about surfing called Step Into Liquid that shows people surfing in all sorts of places you wouldn’t guess. In one scene (spoiler) these guys from one part of Ireland teach kids from the “other” part how to surf. Made me weep. Happy Boxing Day!
Thanks Spike! Wow - yeah, that sounds terrible. Parents can run such a gamut from amazing to terrible. I’ve had a bit of each, but nothing that extreme.
I remember someone else recommending that movie - I’ll look for it!
Hey Nels,
I was all sucked in by the Food, Sex, and Predators title from grad school but there was a distinct lack of predators (of the biological sort) in the post!! Actually, I spent my whole long bath thinking about the other and its impact on my life. We have all had othering from the time we are tiny but it really hit me in college. I went to a small liberal arts school in Los Angeles. They were doing what I have come to think of as a social experiment which was labeled 'Multiculturalism'. The classes and culture emphasized the inherent value of ethnic identity and the anger that people should feel when they have been othered. I think they meant for it to bring us together but it just magnified the othering. I wasn't the base of the totem pole (that was reserved for the white males) but as a female white German American mutt I was pretty far down there. All the minorities of different colors and cultures formed their own tribes whose primary function seemed to be to exude anger and disdain of anyone who did not belong. I could have joined the female tribe that focused on othering the frat boys but I couldn't get into the anger part of it.
I still can't. When I talk to people about trying to understand the perspective of the other the consensus seems to be - "Not worth my time & furthermore you must be secret racist/sexist/other if you even want to talk to those people". It doesn't seem to matter what side of the spectrum they are on I have tried it with both sides. Sometimes even I feel like it isn't worth my time because I haven't yet found a gang of bad ass consensus builders to call my own. It is sort of like paddling upstream with a toothpick during a hurricane. It is not a message that anyone wants to hear. So my question is what makes people ready to listen? Historically it is suffering and ugliness . . . Really?! Aren't we done with that yet?
Yeah, the whole thing can be so exhausting. It’s not difficult too see what people get frustrated with on any side. I feel like that too - can’t we just move on??
Not even move on. Just be done with the suffering and ugliness and get to the real work that has to happen. Real work I can get into but waiting for people to stop nurturing their outrage is exhausting.
Thank you, this is quite an insightful essay!
Thanks Ron! 🙏🏽
Hi Nelson,
I remember us from the anti-procrastination class we took in the aughts in Austin.
I also had to adjust to well-known otherings. In a lower-bronx nursery school, I was the only white kid (although one teacher was white). At 6, we moved to a white town in California. And, it wasn't until Antioch College, did I took notice of other's skins, when someone pointed out that a dorm mate was a black. Since then, I've been very nervous about my thinking of blacks as others. I've read Kendi's book - How to be an Antiracist. My approach is to acknowledge that I have stereotypes of others, but I consciously throw off these, when interacting (directly or indirectly) with individuals or groups. When an Asian offers to drive me somewhere, I see him/her as just another driver, and not "driving while Asian". I was mostly raised in NoCal, but every person I've known from SoCal is actually not plastic.
Evan
Hey Evan! So good to hear from you, and thanks for sharing this. I think this whole topic is so rich and interesting and important. And I agree about the way we can be so far from it as kids. That was definitely my experience
Great read, Nelson. Thank you!
My experience of being “othered” was, except for a brief early marriage, being, 90 percent of my adult life, a single woman with no kids in a society where family is king. For example, being single with no kids I was always looked to to work holidays when needed so others could be with their spouses and kids. I honestly didn’t mind working holidays so people could be with their kids, I just minded that it was SO expected.
But my otherness as a single, childless person has come with perks... lots of freedom.
At 65, I still hope to be married one day and have someone to say good morning and good night to and have coffee with and grow older together.
Not to not be an “other,” or because family is king in our society, but just to love itself and to have another’s best interest at my core.
Oh yeah, the single / not single thing is def a big category. That could be a whole other post. Thank you, Marla!